Distraction - A Journal Perspective

Hello whoever might be out there,

I have tried rewriting this intro so many times already. I am not entirely sure what I even want to talk about right now, which is ironic considering the options I considered; running on empty, burnout and apathy, nihilism and the future. But instead I am addressing the secret fourth option, distraction. I am a master at distraction, both being it and receiving it. I am a pain to study and work with because I am, admittedly, a bit of an attention whore. I don't like being left with my own thoughts without someone to immediately tell. A disgusting combination of attention seeking and narcissism. Why do we think I started a blog? Nobody wanted to hear about Lego Friends or Splatoon or any random film I just watched, yet I end up telling everyone anyway. 

Because I am a distraction. To others. And that is the "journal perspective" part of this post, I am being vulnerable and self-aware, are you enjoying it? Because you are now just another recipient to my distraction. Statistically, there are 9.525 of you out there spending your time reading this mess, realistically that number is closer to 5. So while I am breaking the fourth wall with my audience - you lost The Game.

Now we are on this distraction journey together, let's talk about procrastination, because that is what I am doing right now. I have coursework due next week as well as actual revision to do for my very real exams that are happening in May whether I am ready or not. The person I am most guilty of distracting is myself. I am still trying to figure out why I do it. I distract myself from things I genuinely want to do, and sometimes that sucks more. I love my English Language coursework and the topics I have picked, yet I would rather chop my hand off than actually do it. If someone who understands people better than I do could explain why that is, I would much appreciate it. Because when I have this issue with video games, it is irrelevant and unimportant, but now that issue is creeping into my schoolwork, I'm wondering when I should start worrying.

Even if I did worry about it though, I would just distract myself from worrying. It's a vicious cycle that will come back to bite me in the ass; I'm just waiting for when. I am still scraping by, some would even argue I am thriving at college. It's better than secondary school, that's for sure, but I lack intrinsic motivation and that is kind of important here.

I distract other people in the hopes that it'll get me to lock in and do a little bit of work, else I won't end up doing any at all. And deep down I am worried about it, but I also don't know what will ever fix it.

In fact, I got distracted while writing this. By a Series 7 Taskmaster best bits compilation.

Is that a boulder? Or is it a big rock?

Yours faithfully,

MD

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