A message for fellow Year 11s - A journal perspective

Hello whoever might be out there, 

GCSEs. Mock exams. Every day feels like banging my head against a brick wall but not even making a dent. Running circles only to reach the same conclusion.

When I am sitting in that exam hall, air-conditioning ticking and hands freezing, picking up a pen feels like bearing a hundred tonne load. Typing a sentence is sending my fingers on a marathon - yet nobody can run ten marathons in a row. So why is the bare minimum for me to slave away in this way?

My English Language story is about a girl trying so hard yet failing all of her GCSEs, yet she is a refugee. She doesn't speak the language. She never stood a chance. Yet I do have a chance, as if I am performing my one person rendition of Hamilton, "I am not throwing away my shot." But that shot has pretty much already left my hands and is hurtling down into depths where I can not obtain it.

I have to keep saying that it doesn't matter and that I don't care; that is the only feasible explanation for my, quite bluntly, pathetic efforts. A number on a page. A piece of paper. We preach about not letting material objects define our worth so how is this any different?

I do not care about my predicted grades. My predicted grades are a measurement of my ability to regurgitate knowledge under pressure - knowledge that is the equivalent to a "The Chase" cash-builder.

The moment you realise that it really doesn't matter is the moment that the "shot" finally leaves your hands. You learn that nobody is going to care about your GCSE Spanish grade when you are thirty, or that you could've got a 9-9 in combined science had you "really pushed yourself." 

I feel sorry for the people who are focusing their entire lives on this single, temporary snapshot. Like an Instagram story - are we going to let this moment fade away, or are we going to commit it to a highlight to live on our profile forever. 

We always talk about the real world, and how the real world is "so much harder." Why are we starting the "real world" so early? This moment will simply be one that passes, whether you put in absolutely nothing or one hundred percent.

Time will move on regardless, don't force yourself to bring the stress with you.

Yours faithfully,

MD

P.S, I want to make journal perspective a new thing. Unfiltered thoughts. Because that is what this was. A rant to my beloved journal that I want to share to the slightly less beloved internet. Something a bit more raw for the world to read.

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